Turning Sex into Sadaqa
by Ruqaiyyah Waris Maqsood
An excerpt from 'The Muslim Marriage Guide'
"Women shall have rights similar to the rights upon them; according to what
is equitable and just; and men have a degree of advantage over them." (Quran,
2:216)
They do indeed! This passage of the Holy Quran was revealed in connection with
the rights of women following a divorce, but it also has a general sense. One
basic right of every person taking on a contract never to have sex other than
with their own legitimate partner is that each spouse should therefore provide
sexual fulfillment (imta') to the other, as part of the bargain.
Now, every man knows what sexual things please him--but some men, particularly
those who have not been married before and are therefore lacking experience,
don't seem to know much about how to give the same pleasure to the woman; even
worse, some men do know but they can't be bothered to make the effort. Yet this
is vital if a marriage is to succeed and not just be a disappointing burden
for the woman, and it is a vital part of one's Islamic duty.
It is not acceptable for a Muslim man just to satisfy himself while ignoring
his wife's needs. Experts agree that the basic psychological need of a man is
respect, while that of a woman is love. Neither respect nor love are things
that can be forced--they have to be worked for, and earned. The Prophet (s)
stated that in one's sexual intimacy with one's life partner there is sadaqa
(worship through giving):
God's Messenger(s) said: "In the sexual act of each of you there is a sadaqa."
The Companions replied: "0 Messenger of God! When one of us fulfils his sexual
desire, will he be given a reward for that?" And he said, "Do you not think
that were he to act upon it unlawfully, he would be sinning? Likewise, if he
acts upon it lawfully he will be rewarded." (Muslim)
This hadith only makes sense if the sexual act is raised above the mere animal
level.
What is the magic ingredient that turns sex into sadaqa, that makes it a matter
of reward or punishment from Allah? It is by making one's sex life more than
simple physical gratification; it is by thought for pleasing Allah by unselfish
care for one's partner. A husband that cannot understand this will never be
fully respected by his wife.
Neither spouse should ever act in a manner that would be injurious or harmful
to their conjugal life. Nikah is the sacred tie between husband and wife, that
sincere and devoted love without which they cannot attain happiness and peace
of mind.
"Of His signs is this: that He created for you spouses that you might find rest
in them, and He ordained between you love and mercy." (Quran, 30:21)
Now, every Muslim knows that a man has a right on his wife. However, because
nikah is a contract never to seek sexual satisfaction outside the marriage bond,
Islam commands not only the women but the men in this respect, and makes it
clear that if a husband is not aware of the urges and needs of his wife, he
will be committing a sin by depriving her of her rights.
According to all four orthodox jurists, it is incumbent upon the husband to
keep his wife happy and pleased in this respect. Likewise, it is essential for
the wife to satisfy the desire of the husband. Neither should reject the other,
unless there is some lawful excuse.
Now, it is fairly easy for a woman to satisfy a man and make herself available
to him, even if she is not really in the mood. It is far harder for a man to
satisfy a woman if he is not in the mood, and this is where an important aspect
of male responsibility needs to be brought to every Muslim man's attention,
and stressed strongly.
The jurists believed that a woman's private parts needed "protecting" (tahsin).
What they meant was that it was important for a Muslim husband to satisfy his
wife's sexual needs so that she would not be tempted to commit zina out of despair
or frustration.
A Muslim wife is not merely a lump of flesh without emotions or feelings, just
there to satisfy a man's natural urges. On the contrary, her body contains a
soul no less important in God's sight than her husband's. Her heart is very
tender and delicate, and crude or rough manners would hurt her feelings and
drive away love. The husband would be both foolish and immoral to act in any
way unpalatable to her natural temperament, and a man selfishly seeking his
own satisfaction without considering that of his wife is a selfish boor. In
fact, according to a hadith:
"Three things are counted inadequacies in a man. Firstly, meeting someone he
would like to get to know, and taking leave of him before learning his name
and his family. Secondly, rebuffing the generosity that another shows to him.
And thirdly, going to his wife and having intercourse with her before talking
to her and gaining her intimacy, satisfying his need from her before she has
satisfied her need from him." (Daylami)
This is another of the things implied by the saying that one's wife is "a tilth
unto you." (Quran, 2:223) The imagery is that of a farmer taking care of his
fields.
According to Mawlana Abul-Ala Mawdudi:
"The farmer sows the seed in order to reap the harvest, but he does not sow
it out of season or cultivate it in a manner which will injure or exhaust the
soil. He is wise and considerate, and does not run riot." (Afzalur Rahman, Quranic
Sciences, London 1981, p.285)
Likewise, in the case of husband and wife, the husband should not just:
“Take hold of his wife and rub the seed and finish the business of procreation.
The damage in this case could sometimes be irreparable, because a woman, unlike
a farm, is very sensitive and has emotions, feelings, and strong passions which
need full satisfaction and attention in a proper and appropriate manner.” (Afzalur
Rahman, Quranic Sciences, London 1981, p. 286)
If this is not taken into consideration, and the wife is not properly prepared
to start lovemaking, or is unsatisfied when it is finished, there could be many
psychological and physiological complications leading to frigidity and other
abnormalities. Indeed, many husbands eventually become disappointed with their
wives, believing them to be frigid or unable to respond to their activities
(unlike the sirens on the film or TV screen), and they wonder what is wrong
with them. A possible explanation will follow in a moment.
Allah created male and female from a single soul in order that man might live
with her in serenity (Quran, 7:189), and not in unhappiness, frustration and
strife. If your marriage is frankly awful, then you must ask yourself how such
a desperate and tragic scenario could be regarded by anyone as "half the Faith."
According to a hadith:
"Not one of you should fall upon his wife like an animal; but let there first
be a messenger between you." "And what is that messenger?" they asked, and he
replied: "Kisses and words." (Daylami)
These "kisses and words" do not just include foreplay once intimacy has commenced.
To set the right mood, little signals should begin well in advance, so that
the wife has a clue as to what is coming, and is pleasantly expectant, and also
has adequate time to make herself clean, attractive and ready. As regards intimacy
itself, all men know that they cannot achieve sexual fulfillment if they are
not aroused. They should also realise that it is actually harmful and painful
for the female organs to be used for sex without proper preparation. In simple
biological terms, the woman's private parts need a kind of natural lubrication
before the sexual act takes place. For this, Allah has created special glands,
known to modern doctors as the Bartholin glands, which provide the necessary
"oils."
It is still possible to read old-fashioned advice to husbands that a desirable
wife should be "dry"--which is remarkable ignorance and makes one really grieve
for the poor wives of such inconsiderate men. Just as no one would dream of
trying to run an engine without the correct lubricating fluids, it is the same,
through the creative will of Allah, with the parts of the female body designed
for sexual intimacy. A husband should know how to stimulate the production of
these "oils" in his wife, or at the very least allow her to use some artificial
"oils." This lack of knowledge or consideration is where so many marital problems
frequently arise.
As Imam al-Ghazali says: "Sex should begin with gentle words and kissing," and
Imam al-Zabidi adds: "This should include not only the cheeks and lips; and
then he should caress the breasts and nipples, and every part of her body."
(Zabidi, Ithaf al-Sada al Muttaqin, V 372) Most men will not need telling this;
but it should be remembered that failure to observe this Islamic practice is
to neglect or deny the way Allah has created women.
Insulting a wife with bad marital manners.
Firstly, a husband must overcome his shyness enough to actually look at his
wife, and pay attention to her. If he cannot bring himself to follow this sunna,
it is an insult to her, and extremely hurtful. Personal intimacy is a minefield
of opportunities to hurt each other--glancing at the watch, a yawn at the wrong
moment, appearing bored, and so on. A husband's duty is to convince his wife
that he does love her--and this can only be done by word (constantly repeated
word, I might add--such is the irritating nature of women!), and by looking
and touching.
Many people believe that the expression in the eyes reveals much of the human
soul. Certainly the lover's gaze is a most endearing and treasured thing. Many
wives yearn for that gaze of love, even after they have been married for years.
If you cannot bring yourself to look at her while paying attention to her, she
can only interpret this as a sign that you do not really love her. And even
though it may be irritating to you, and seem quite superfluous, most women are
deeply moved when a man actually tells her that he loves her.
Sex is clean!
A modest upbringing is part of good character. The Prophet (s) himself said:
"Modesty brings nothing but good." (Bukhari and Muslim) But another, also important,
part of Islamic teaching says that all of Allah's creation is beautiful and
pure, particularly when it is part of the body of human beings, who are designed
as His deputies upon the earth. In some religions, people traditionally believed
that the woman's private parts are in some way unclean, or dirty, or even evil
